We've had a very interesting few weeks In our house. I thought I was done with having children. Two hearing-impaired boys, that should be enough to keep me busy, isn't it about time i started to get my life back and do some grown-up things again? Surely more children would just be too much hard work with two special-needs kids already - what if we had another hearing-impaired child? *Three* speech sessions a week? Trying to get Aus Hearing appointments for 3 children sounds to me like an insane proposition. What if we had a hearing child? Would they get the attention and opportunities they needed, or would they miss out because they could cope fine and their brothers could not?
Well, since mid to late November, we suspected that we were unexpectedly pregnant, which was confirmed by a positive, although weak, test in early December. Something didn't feel right though, & I just couldn't settle with the pregnancy. I had some off days but then other days when you could very easily convince me that it was all a dream.
Well, that dream was rudely interrupted on Tues 15th Dec, when I began bleeding. Lightly at first, but then more heavily & painfully, which made it necessary for me to have scans to see if I was miscarrying or not. Straight after scans I went to see my obstetrician to determine the outcome & a course of action if required.
The sonographer was lovely, & said she thought she could see a small cystic-looking object, but it certainly wasn't the right size for the 6.5 weeks I thought I was...but then I went to see my Dr, & he just blew me away when he said, "The uterus is empty; there's no pregnancy there."
Empty. A yawning abyss of - nothing...
So, what was going on? Hard to pinpoint, it would seem, but apparently two options. Either I'd micarried & the pregnancy was already gone, or I had an ectopic pregnancy. Eeek, don't like the sound of that...how do we tell? I needed two blood tests (which, I must add, I hate beyond all reason), 48 hours apart, to measure the actual quantities of human growth hormone in my body. In a normal pregnancy, the level should double in that time. In the case of a miscarriage, the level will drop. If the level is stable, however, this would indicate an ectopic pregnancy. So I'm a good little girl & go off and have my bloodtests...and actually get through both of them without passing out, not even once!
And then we wait...
Have you ever felt like a walking time-bomb? Don't, if you can manage it. Not pleasant. Wondering each day, each hour, each minute if you'll get to the next day, next hour, next minute intact is a very taxing, draining way to live. We did, however, make it through a busy 6 days to our next appointment (by making as complete Christmas preparations as possible just in case i required surgery 3 days before Christmas!), and the verdict was clear: miscarriage.
All this has helped me to focus my thoughts and desires about having more children. I was never really been very committal about (a) having children int he first place and (b) how many i'd like (just ask my husband!). Having a desire, a want, seemed too selfish to my well-trained Christian mind...defer to others, die to self, put yourself last...all of which are true and good but, when not learned and applied well, can result in the place i find myself today - not being able to identify what I really want for my own life, sort of living by default...which really turns those phrases into a bit of a cop out. A dear friend of mine & her husband have always wanted 4 children; now I rather envy them, because they have a plan and can work towards it (3 down, last one on the way!), while I've felt a bit like i'm floating in space, making it up as i go along, hoping it's not too late. But this experience has helped me to really think about that, and come a few steps closer to forming a plan. Losing this baby has made me realise that although he/she was unplanned, perhaps I actually wanted him/her, and losing something unexpected can be painful too.
And do you know what? Not once since the end began did I even consider whether or not the baby might be hearing impaired. I had thought about it since the first positive test and made plans to accommodate the possibility, but in the face of the complete loss of the child, that was simply not important; this was a precious life, deaf or not. And I think i've come to a place where hearing impairment is not something to be feared, as it can not be deliberately avoided. I wonder if more children might be actually what i need, to move me out of my comfort zone, to grow *me*, and to extend *me*...maybe that's what God intended through all this anyway?
So it is with this new-found perspective that I enter 2010, and see what adventures lie there-in...
Well, that dream was rudely interrupted on Tues 15th Dec, when I began bleeding. Lightly at first, but then more heavily & painfully, which made it necessary for me to have scans to see if I was miscarrying or not. Straight after scans I went to see my obstetrician to determine the outcome & a course of action if required.
The sonographer was lovely, & said she thought she could see a small cystic-looking object, but it certainly wasn't the right size for the 6.5 weeks I thought I was...but then I went to see my Dr, & he just blew me away when he said, "The uterus is empty; there's no pregnancy there."
Empty. A yawning abyss of - nothing...
So, what was going on? Hard to pinpoint, it would seem, but apparently two options. Either I'd micarried & the pregnancy was already gone, or I had an ectopic pregnancy. Eeek, don't like the sound of that...how do we tell? I needed two blood tests (which, I must add, I hate beyond all reason), 48 hours apart, to measure the actual quantities of human growth hormone in my body. In a normal pregnancy, the level should double in that time. In the case of a miscarriage, the level will drop. If the level is stable, however, this would indicate an ectopic pregnancy. So I'm a good little girl & go off and have my bloodtests...and actually get through both of them without passing out, not even once!
And then we wait...
Have you ever felt like a walking time-bomb? Don't, if you can manage it. Not pleasant. Wondering each day, each hour, each minute if you'll get to the next day, next hour, next minute intact is a very taxing, draining way to live. We did, however, make it through a busy 6 days to our next appointment (by making as complete Christmas preparations as possible just in case i required surgery 3 days before Christmas!), and the verdict was clear: miscarriage.
How do you grieve the loss of something you didn't expect to have?
When something arrives unexpectedly like this, you come to terms with your new reality and make adjustments accordingly; you sort of, re-align your compass to a new bearing. You imagine your car with another baby seat, your house with another bed, your "baby" (18 months old!!) moving out of the high-chair because he *has* to, more boxes of newborn nappies, equipment to be re-gathered from borrowers, night feeds and expressing milk, washing bottles & bibs...you see other newborns with their mums and think, "In 8 months, that'll be me! Eeek..." But then, to have your compass suddenly re-adjusted back to its old bearing - now that's another thing altogether. Logic would say that things can just be the same as they were before, it can be like it never happened...
...but it did happen.
There was a life, there was a baby, i have memories and feelings, notes in my mental diary that are very hard to erase...not to mention 3 pee'd-on sticks with little faint lines and dates on my bedside table that i see every morning and every night :-) There's another child in heaven now, whose name i don't yet know but who i will hold one day, and celebrate the life that...never really got a chance.
All this has helped me to focus my thoughts and desires about having more children. I was never really been very committal about (a) having children int he first place and (b) how many i'd like (just ask my husband!). Having a desire, a want, seemed too selfish to my well-trained Christian mind...defer to others, die to self, put yourself last...all of which are true and good but, when not learned and applied well, can result in the place i find myself today - not being able to identify what I really want for my own life, sort of living by default...which really turns those phrases into a bit of a cop out. A dear friend of mine & her husband have always wanted 4 children; now I rather envy them, because they have a plan and can work towards it (3 down, last one on the way!), while I've felt a bit like i'm floating in space, making it up as i go along, hoping it's not too late. But this experience has helped me to really think about that, and come a few steps closer to forming a plan. Losing this baby has made me realise that although he/she was unplanned, perhaps I actually wanted him/her, and losing something unexpected can be painful too.
And do you know what? Not once since the end began did I even consider whether or not the baby might be hearing impaired. I had thought about it since the first positive test and made plans to accommodate the possibility, but in the face of the complete loss of the child, that was simply not important; this was a precious life, deaf or not. And I think i've come to a place where hearing impairment is not something to be feared, as it can not be deliberately avoided. I wonder if more children might be actually what i need, to move me out of my comfort zone, to grow *me*, and to extend *me*...maybe that's what God intended through all this anyway?
So it is with this new-found perspective that I enter 2010, and see what adventures lie there-in...
